Option Eight

IT would be a crying shame if hearty Conservative councillor Jonny Bucknell’s performance poetry from Monday night passed without mention. Annoyed by Camden Town Hall’s new ‘press button 1 for, press button 2 for’ switchboard system, he launched into a theatrical demand –  rich, the critics would say, in postmodern irony –  for phone line reform. Here’s his appeal to deputy council leader Sue Vincent at Monday’s council meeting in full. Note particularly the beat rapping style of rhyming ‘strangulation’ with ‘isolation’.

Please would the leader listen carefully and choose from the following options, noting that all questions are webcast for training and monitoring purposes.

Will you choose between option one which is to continue with this monstrous carbuncle renaming Cressy Road as Cressy Castle so the shreiks of anguish from the calls can emanate from the dungeon.

I think you are heading to option 2, which is to fiddle with the announcements forever

Or option 3 which is to possibly abandon the scheme and listen instead to the screams of the switchboard itself as it dies not from stranguuuuulation but death from isooooolation as nobody uses the options and it blatantly heads for the recycling centre screaming: No No NOO, not the electrical appliances bin. Death. By. Option. Eight.

Then Jonny, who is walking around with a Union Jack sticking out of his rucksack to mark the months between the Royal Wedding and the Olympics, as you do, sat down. Somebody meanly cried out ‘did you do anything else on your weekend?’ 

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